In a moving display of her love for her people, Her Majesty has decreed that she too would like to bestow on them the utterly worthless theatrics that British society has somehow deemed an adequate reward for seeing us through COVID.
A statement from Buckingham Palace said that HRH was moved to make an empty gesture of her own after seeing how NHS staff were so obviously delighted with them on government photo ops.
It read, “Upon advice of her Prime Minister, Her Gracious Majesty Queen Elizabeth would like to express her thanks to all the NHS workers who risked their lives during the pandemic and pay tribute to those who died.
“Prime Minister Johnson kindly explained that nurses and doctors don’t want base things like pay raises, better working conditions, more staff or even affordable parking at their place of work.
“All they want is some easily accomplished gesture perhaps with a bit of cringe-inducing pomp thrown in. And what better than a medal to reward people for making huge sacrifices but without having to sell off a grouse shooting estate or one of her smaller castles?”
Simone Williams, a Critical Care Nurse at Croydon Royal Infirmary, confirmed that she was delighted to get a paltry token from her ruler and that she knows her place, she does.
“I’ve loved the clapping from people selling us off piecemeal to American hedge funds when they’re not making life hell for the 1 in 7 of my colleagues who were not born here. But now I get an old billionaire heiress giving me a collective medal? I could faint from joy!
“Mind you, that could also be hunger. The food bank was closed yesterday.”