Monday 28 June 2021 by Arabin Patson

Hope for millions after scientists isolate gene that makes people think winking is acceptable


winking fixed

In a breakthrough for humanity, geneticists believe they have found the gene that causes some wretched unfortunates to think that a wink, often accompanied with a quick tilt of the head, is somehow a perfectly reasonable way to communicate with fellow human beings.

Professor Simone Williams, of the University of Croydon’s Genetic Research Institute, said that the discovery could very well be the first step to a cure for the blight of arseholes who, when wished a nice weekend, respond with a wink and “You know I will.”

She went on, “For centuries we just accepted that a small percentage of humanity would bizarrely assume deep intimacy with complete strangers to the extent that they imagine the wealth of inside jokes and comfort of innuendo that would justify a wink.

“From a large cohort genetic study of Essex residents, using York as a control group of normal people, we found that people with the IF43M1 gene were unable to control one eyelid when someone in the vicinity talked about a possible romantic event in the near future.

“Likewise, those without that gene were capable of understanding that buying a coffee does not require any form of jokes, non-verbal signals or addressing staff with the same pet name you would normally reserve for a sexual partner.”

However, Pr Williams said that, although the discovery would eventually lead to gene therapy that could enable winkers to lead normal lives, there was still much work to be done.

“We’ve got to see what else it does first. So far we’ve linked the winking gene to a rare form of dyslexia that only allows sufferers to read biographies of living people and also an addiction predisposition for food served in chain carveries.”

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