Monday 28 June 2021

Boris Johnson appoints Matt Hancock as full-time wingman

Matt Hancock becomes Boris Johnson's wingman

Matt Hancock has bounced back into Boris Johnson’s inner circle after he was made the prime minister’s full-time wingman.

Hancock, who resigned on xx after using his ministerial office as a ‘shag pad’, was described as the ‘ideal candidate’ by those involved in the recruitment process.

Downing Street aide, Simon Williams, told us, “Boris has some very specific requirements when it comes to wingmen.  Firstly, they have to have a first-class record when it comes to securing young fillies through the use of your government position.

“Secondly, they have to show scant regard for their wedding vows so they don’t get hesitant when the right opportunity presents itself.

“And lastly, they have to be prepared to brazenly ignore everything if and when something comes out about their infidelity.  Obviously it’s pretty hard to reach Boris’ level on this, especially when you consider the recent Jennifer Arcuri scandal, and the fact he cheated on one of his previous wives while she had cancer.

“Matt still has some developing to do, but he shows great potential as the PM’s wingman.  Sure, everyone is well aware that today he has three children, but ask the question again in ten years time and let’s see if you know the answer then – what’s when we’ll really know if he learned anything from Boris.”

Boris and Matt are expected at a Ritzy nightclub near you towards the end of July, at which point they will pretend to be powerful politicians, or firemen, depending on what they believe will impress you most at the moment in time.

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