Deer admits lifelong ambition to kill and eat a second-rate television presenter

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A red deer living in Windsor Great Park has spoken of his lifelong ambition to kill and eat a second-rate television presenter, especially if he gets to hunt down the presenter for a while first.

Derek Williams, a 5-year-old stag, weighing in at 150kg, said he often fantasises about eyeing up a prized second-rate television presenter and impaling him with his antlers.

He explained, “I’d go for the heart, obviously. I want the to kill be as quick and painless as possible. I’m not a monster.

“I’d probably take him at night, as it’s easier to sneak up on a television presenter when they know there aren’t any cameras on them, or any lights for that matter.

“I only want to eat him though, I’m not looking to have his head mounted somewhere in the park, that would be barbaric.  No, this is more about returning to nature, and we can all agree that the normal order of things would see me use these enormous antlers of mine to take the life of a much less valuable member of the animal kingdom.”

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Critics have pointed out that taking the life of a sentient creature, even one that relies so heavily on Kirstie Allsopp, should be considered ‘wrong’ by any civilised society.

However, Williams disagreed, telling us, “No, there are more than enough second-rate television presenters, the numbers are very healthy, so my taking one out of circulation every now and again is actually good for the industry as a whole.

“It would let some new talent come through, rather than having this ageing 51-year-old specimen hanging around consuming the resources that could be better spent bringing through a new generation.

“I’d be doing him a kindness, and I bet he’d be delicious.”