Friday 25 June 2021 by Arabin Patson

Boy says he is “very sorry” about shaving the cat and now considers the matter closed


Naughty boy

A mischievous schoolboy is reported to have found a foolproof loophole to escape any form of punishment for his misdeeds, by simply issuing a blatantly insincere apology then declaring that he will now return to serious business delivering world-beating homework.

Jakes Williams, a freckled-faced impish rascal with a homemade slingshot in his back pocket, said the genius idea of simply refusing to take real responsibility for his actions came to him after being caught red-handed spraying Immac on Tibbles, the family tortoiseshell.

He explained, “Dad had me bang to rights. He had me on the security camera doing it. I had no possible excuse.

“I knew it was wrong but I did it anyway. Not even a prayer of blaming on my little sister since she was at a piano class. So I just looked my father in the eye, told him I’m sorry in the same tone he uses when Mum asks us to tell him about our day at school, and then just said that we need to move on.

“I think he was so shocked by the brass neck of it, he just let me walk. No loss of telly access or nothing!”

Young Jake was asked if his clever little workaround could be of use to adults, particularly those in positions of power.

“Christ, no! This bollocks only flies because I’m literally a child and can’t really be expected to know better.

“It’s ludicrous to think grown-ups would try something so asinine. Imagine how fucked up the UK would be if our leaders could do whatever they wanted and never face any real consequences for breaking rules and even the law? That’s the kind of shit you only see in failed states.

“Yes, I know what failed state means. I grew up during Brexit.”

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