Can we at least say ‘..or you’ll burn in hell?’ enquire religious nutjobs opposed to ban on gay conversion therapy

After questions were raised about the need for the government to consult about its proposed ban on gay conversion therapy, certain religious groups have said it is essential so they can try to protect legitimate practices, such as informing stubbornly insistent gays that they will face the wrath of Satan himself.

One such religious spokesperson, Simon Williams, who also stressed that he was 110% heterosexual, said, “It is a core religious freedom for us to impose our beliefs on people lured by Satan towards gayism.

“Therefore, if we aren’t allowed to convert the gays – which is weird because we’ve been so successful up to now that there are hardly any gays left – we must at least be allowed to confirm that eternal damnation awaits them all.

“Preferably at night and timed with thunder and a bolt of lightning.

“We assume the government’s public consultation was intended to consider adopting sensible exceptions to the ban, such as this.

“Otherwise, what is the point of it?”

Another person now free to chip in, Gareth Marshall said, “Well, as a health professional therapist, but not really, I often see people presenting as ‘gay’.

“However, after being subject to many expensive sessions of my eerily calm insistence, it always turns out to be just a symptom of an underlying problem that doesn’t really exist.

“As part of the consultation that is clearly aimed at me, I will make the case for the creation of a massive grey area that therapists like me can exploit to convert, erm, I mean treat my patients. Or truth-seekers, as I like to call them.”

A spokesperson for basically everyone else responded, “Can we just ban this homophobic bullshit already?”

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