Wednesday 12 May 2021 by Neil Tollfree

Tories to cut down on voter fraud by not telling anyone when there’s an election happening

Michael Gove to announce secret elections

The Tories have announced bold new plans to cut down on voter fraud by not telling anyone when there’s an election on.

“It’s a sensible, practical measure,” explained Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster and total fucking weirdo Michael Gove.

“If fraudulent voters don’t know that there is an election on, then they can’t vote fraudulently in that election. It’s the perfect solution.

“Of course, it does mean that no one else will be able vote either, but as people are clearly very, very stupid at the moment, it’s fair to assume that no-one will be too bothered by that.”

Tory supporters and other idiots supported the plan.

“I don’t see what the problem is,” said Simon Williams, Tory supporter, sexual deviant, and hapless moron.

“It’s important that we tackle the entirely fictitious and imaginary problem of voter fraud that has been the bane of this country’s elections since the Tories told me it was.

“If by not being told when elections are happening we stop the fraud and consequently not being able to vote, then that is a small price to pay for free and fair elections.”

Other measures to cut down on voter fraud include having only one polling station in the whole country, having to bring proof of home-ownership when going to vote, and instituting a Tory Reich that will last a thousand years.

Previous post:

Next post: