Tuesday 11 May 2021 by Arabin Patson

Keir Starmer cuts out own tongue after journalist asks what he thinks of the violence in Jerusalem


Keir Starmer cuts out own tongue

British media were shocked this morning after a simple question by a reporter, requesting a comment on the worsening violence between Israelis and Palestinians, caused the Labour leader to smash his office window and use a shard to hack out his tongue.

It also appears that the tendency to mutilate the speech organs was shared by senior Labour members who all mutilated their mouths when asked what they think about Israel killing several children in Gaza through retaliation airstrikes after a Hamas rocket launch.

The Press Officer of the Labour Party, who only spoke to journalists on the condition that they take pictures of him wearing his Down With Antisemitism T-shirt, explained that Labour’s unique relationship towards the Israel/Palestine conflict was the cause of this event.

“The competing pressures of two utterly awful options has probably triggered an evolutionary defence mechanism to get out of this mess by any means possible.

“See it from Keir’s perspective. He’s a former human rights lawyer and leader of a party that has traditionally been pro-Palestinian. So, he wants to say that lobbing stun grenades into a mosque on Islam’s third holiest site, and doing it during Ramadan, is not the best way to calm tension. Also, many party activists feel that killing twenty people in Gaza because Hamas launched utterly ineffective rockets is completely disproportionate and that he should perhaps mention it.”

“But, he can’t do that because if any Labour member even so much as hints they don’t like bagels or think Alan Sugar is a twat, then the tabloids will scream that we’re planning to burn synagogues or give Hezbollah control of Tottenham Hotspur.

“So now he’s learning sign language.”

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