We will not tolerate any threats to fishermen who live near our offshore bank accounts, says UK cabinet

After a French minister threatened to cut off power to the banks that fiscally prudent chaps use to keep their affairs away from prying eyes, Boris Johnson dispatched two warships to Jersey as a strong message that the UK will protect its cherished undeclared billions.

Simon Williams MP, a former banker whose enormous house is technically owned by a PLC registered in St Helier, went on several news shows to applaud the use of military assets to settle a minor dispute over fishing licenses.

He went on, “Of course, the media luvvies will claim this is absurd overkill and blatant jingoistic electioneering over what amounts to a small setback mainly due to a massive post-Brexit workload being dumped on the untrained staff of a twee island.

“But we need to send a strong message to Brussels that they can kill off our export industry, ruin our farming sector, beach all our fishermen and even split up our nation, but they will not raise a hand towards a bunch of letterbox companies used by avaricious tax dodgers.

“Make no mistake, Macron, we will send warships to protect the inalienable freedoms of any banking system that uses numbers instead of names. Gibraltar, Grand Cayman, Jersey or Geneva. Wherever there’s a vault containing jewellery stolen from Holocaust victims, our nation will stand guard.

“I also refute the suggestion that we are only doing this because of the local elections and we are desperate to bring out the vote of dense flag-shaggers who feel the need to respond ‘spot on’ to political’ tweets. We have a proud record of protecting tax havens even if it ruins the lives of millions.

“Look at Brexit.”

A Cabinet of Arseholes – get the Mug, Mask and T-shirt HERE!