Tories to fight local elections on a platform of all-out war with France

The Tory Party have surprised many commentators by making war with France the central policy of today’s local elections.

Prime Minister and fat shit Boris Johnson yesterday ordered the HMS Severn to patrol waters around Jersey to make him feel like a big man and to potentially launch a pre-emptive strike on France if early exit polls show the Tories are under-performing.

“The Tories stand unwaveringly in support of war with France,” said a visibly tumescent Mark Francois, who is up for re-election today in some god-forsaken dump in the wilds of Essex.

“We would suggest that if you love the Queen Mum, cricket, and spitfires then vote Tory, but if you prefer garlic, wearing berets and surrendering, then vote Labour.

“Only a Tory win that can lead to all-out war with France and the preservation of our great British culture of casual racism and complaining.”

It appears that, as the polls open, voters are being persuaded by the war with France policy

“I’ll be honest, I’ve lost family because of the mishandling of Covid, my business is on the verge of collapse because of Brexit and the local council has so little money left that it’s had to put our streetlights on eBay,” said the inevitable Simon Williams.

“But war with France, you say? Sounds like a sensible policy for a modern Britain.”

A Cabinet of Arsholes – get the Mug, T-shirt and mask here!

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