Tory sleaze leaves Labour worried about how to secure their traditional humiliating loss in upcoming local elections

The growing furore about Conservative sleaze and callous disregard for human life has forced the Labour Party to pull out all the stops in order to guarantee they will once again face an embarrassing defeat on the 6th May when going against a corrupt liar who wants your nan to die.

Simon William, a Labour candidate in Barnsley, was one of many who were worried that the recent scandals in Number 10 could harm his party’s strategy of ripping itself apart while allowing the Tories to rule unhindered by any meaningful opposition.

He told us, “Up until a week ago, I would have said an utter drubbing was in the bag.

“We had solid vote-losing principles like refusing to accept a large part of our electorate supported us out of tradition but were actually profoundly right-wing. Or that Fabian discussions on the impact of socialist dirigisme in the 4th industrial revolution don’t really resonate with people who read newspapers with misspelt headlines.

“And Keir Starmer was doing a fantastic job of making people remember that they need to renew their home insurance, but not in making people think of him as a potential prime minister.

“He very nearly guaranteed us a loss with his awkward encounter with a pub landlord but that guy was such a wanker everyone hoped Keir’s bodyguard would kick him in the nads.

“But now we have Boris Johnson playing a game of arsehole chicken with Dominic Cummings that is such a turn off even the Daily Mail is having a go at him.

“Honestly, if they keep this up the only way we can lose Barnsley council is if I set fire to the football grounds.

“Or be caught on camera being polite to a Muslim.”

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