Thursday 29 April 2021 by Arabin Patson

Arlene Foster’s resignation shatters internal DUP alliance between demented homophobes and sectarian nutters

DUP's Arlene Foster stepping down

The leadership vacuum left by Arlene Foster’s decision to step down as the head of the Democratic Unionist Party has ended the fragile truce between the cretins who think using Grindr causes drought and the paranoid dimwits rehashing enmities from 17th-century religious wars.

Simon Williams MP, a DUP grandee who somehow always looks like he’s just overheard his wife mocking his genitalia, explained that the coming power struggle for the party leadership could see his party moving away from its core objective of being a barrier to change in Northern Ireland.

“For six years, Arlene had finally got the gay-bashers and the Orange order cranks to put aside their differences and focus on making devolved rule into a joke so as to make Northern Ireland a place fit for square-headed bigots who never smile in photographs.

“Now, I worry that we will soon return to the endless debates about who should be burned first between the sodomites and the Catholics.

“We finally had a smooth process of always looking dour and signing whatever the Conservatives told us to, but somehow that made people angry. They just kept bringing up that our party was the only one in Northern Ireland to support Brexit so somehow we should have thought about its implication.”

However, Mr Williams did say there was some hope that unity will prevail.

He went on, “It’s not impossible to embrace unwarranted hatred of both Irish people and those who think sex should be enjoyable.

“Maybe we can focus on what unites us. Like being utterly devoid of any sense of humour or our bizarre inability to wear a suit without looking like a beet farmer appearing in court for domestic violence.”

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