Piers Morgan tells Tucker Carlson that ‘gormless slimy tosspot’ is a coveted honorific in the UK

author avatar by 3 years ago

In a tell-all interview on Fox News, Piers Morgan assured America that the UK supported his crusade against Meghan Markle as can be seen by how many people hurl insults and threaten scrotal removal with ill-adapted tools whenever his name is mentioned.

Indulging in his second interview this week involving someone with a very unhealthy obsession with young women, right-wing pundit Tucker Carlson was keen to learn about how a constant barrage of creative slurs meant Britons were 100% behind Piers Morgan.

Mr Morgan explained, “It can be a bit odd for Americans to understand, but when Brits really like a man, they often perform an odd ritual of cursing him repeatedly and swearing on their children’s lives that they would drown him in a shallow pool of his own piss given half the chance.

“But once you understand that, you will see how much I am adulated in the UK. I can’t even walk to the shops without people spitting in front of me or yelling highly elaborate scatological jibes as they drive past.

“The truth is that I am a national hero for running a two-year hate campaign against a young woman that spurned me, then storming out like a child when a colleague pointed out how pathetic I was.

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“That’s why my fellow Englishmen give me the highest accolade of comparing my professional conduct to that of a man who goes to the sports centre after the spin cycle class and pretends to stretch so he can sniff the seats on the static bikes.

“Which, interestingly, is how I first met Meghan.”