Tuesday 30 March 2021 by Lucas Wilde

Suez canal closed again after discarded Jacob’s cracker dries up the entire thing


Suez Canal bone dry

The Suez canal is closed again.

Less than a day after the entire shipping channel was finally reopened after a single boat got itself stuck, the canal has shut down once again, because there’s no water in it.

The dryness has been traced back to a single Jacob’s cracker which somehow ended up in the water

“GodDAMMIT” declared Captain Simon Williams, as his boat sat in the middle of the waterless river.

“There was water here a second ago, that’s how I knew to have a boat here. That’s the first thing you learn at Captain school: you put your boat where there is water.

“Which moron threw a Jacob’s cracker overboard? Have you ever EATEN a Jacob’s cracker? All the moisture leaves your body in a nanosecond. What the HELL made you think the same thing wouldn’t happen to a canal?!

“I hope you’ve got spares and plenty of cheese, because we are stuck here until Neptune’s tears fill up this river once more.

“That’s how rivers get filled. It’s the second thing you learn at Captain school.

“The third thing is the importance of condoms.”

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