Friday 5 March 2021 by Pete Redfern

Ten libellous statements about Mark Zuckerberg that he’ll never see as his algorithms have crippled satire


Mark Zuckerberg

We can write whatever we like as only about five people will end up reading this article thanks to Facebook’s algorithms, it has emerged.

With Facebook’s algorithms still unable to distinguish between ‘misinformation’ and ‘obvious satire’, here are some satirical facts that we have made up about Mark Zuckerberg that we are free to publish, comfortable in the knowledge that only five people will see the headline, and only one person will click on the link, and that person will be the author of the article trying to earn himself £0.001 in ad revenue.

  1. Mark Zuckerberg has larger-than-average-sized penis, but is impotent, having only ever had one erection in his life (see number 3).
  2. Mark Zuckerberg breaks into Krispy Kreme shops at night and licks the toppings off the chocolate doughnuts before moving them to the ‘plain’ doughnut section.
  3. Mark Zuckerberg has only ever seen one band perform live, and it was the Dixie Chicks. It was during this concert that his penis became erect for the first and only time (see Number 1).
  4. Mark Zuckerberg is incapable of laughing. This could explain why ‘satire’ is such a hard concept for him to comprehend.
  5. Mark Zuckerberg once gouged a puppy’s eyes out with a teaspoon, and maintained his cold, emotionless dead-eyed stare throughout.
  6. Mark Zuckerberg prefers Twitter to Facebook.
  7. The ‘F’ in the Facebook logo doesn’t stand for ‘Facebook’, it stands for ‘F*** off satire sites, we at Facebook don’t understand the difference between you and misinformation fake news sites. Apart from the Onion and Babylon Bee, who are inexplicably unaffected by our algorithms’.
  8. The only films Mark Zuckerberg has watched are the Transformers movies.
  9. At the age of thirteen, Mark Zuckerberg orchestrated Princess Diana’s death.
  10. Mark Zuckerberg hates you personally. Yes, you.

Yes, it’s been one of those weeks.

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