Supermarkets prepare for back-to-school Monday with 3-for-2 on “Mummy’s special Ribena”

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Supermarkets will be there for you to get on the sesh from 8am on Monday.

With children set to return to school on Monday the 8th of March, a smorgasbord of offers are going up at supermarkets across the land on alcohol to help you celebrate getting rid of the little bastards the day your children finally get back to the education they need.

“We’re delighted to be able to make these superb offers to the long-suffering parents of the United Kingdom,” beamed supermarket manager, Simon Williams.

“We’re offering 3-for-2 on our finest reds, buy-one-get-one-free on our moderately-good reds, and the Merlot is a quid a bottle.

“Of course, we remind all of our customers to drink responsib-”

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“WINE!!” interrupted Hayley Rice, a 32-year-old mother of three who has been pretending to know what quadratic equations are since Christmas.

“That whole shelf, in this trolley, now, PLEASE.

“No, save me your judgments, I don’t care. I have had no time for myself. Do you know what it’s like to have three children ALL THE TIME? They’re bloody everywhere. You’re constantly outnumbered, and they all have different kinds of maths problems, NONE of which are familiar to me.

“The minute that bus is over the horizon, the Malbec is getting cracked open, a straw is going in the bottle and I’m binge-watching the Aussie version of Married at First Sight. ALL. DAY.”