Tuesday 23 February 2021 by Pete Redfern

Introverts dreading the easing of restrictions on social gatherings


Introverts unhappy with opening up

Introverts have today expressed their dismay at Boris Johnson’s plans to gradually ease social restrictions.

The Prime Minister outlined his ‘roadmap’ out of lockdown in the Commons and during a press conference yesterday, cruelly taking away all the valid reasons introverts currently have for not attending social gatherings in the process.

“The only silver lining of this wretched pandemic is that it gave me a perfectly reasonable and valid reason not to see or even speak to anyone,” introvert Simon Williams told us via email, after refusing a Zoom call.

He went on, “I haven’t spoken to or seen anyone apart from my Tesco delivery driver for nearly a year, and it has been the best year of my life, hands down.

“But now Boris Johnson is talking about lifting all restrictions by June 21st, which sucks, as my birthday is in July and so now I don’t have a valid reason not to have people over for a few drinks.”

Extrovert Eleanor Gay, who came into the NewsThump offices along with three friends to be interviewed despite strict instructions to the contrary, excitedly told us, “Oh June 21st is going to be BANGING!

“Me and the girls are going for a champagne brunch, then a bit of retail therapy, then a cheeky Nandos, then we’re going to ride on the underground for an hour just to be crammed in with as many people as possible to feel fully alive, then we’ll hit the clubs.

“I’m just so glad Boris will have got rid of the virus completely by then – I wouldn’t want to do anything risky.”

Introverted, but happy to discuss ways in which you can leave me alone – get the T-shirt!

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