Monday 25 January 2021 by Arabin Patson

Scientists fear new strain of Morrissey could prove 40% more twattish


Morrissey variant

Researchers from the University of Croydon’s Department of Bellend Studies have warned that the next mutation of Morrissey could prove much more prickish than previous iterations and that long-held immunisation to his annoying antics might not be enough to stay safe.

Professor Simone Williams, who made the discovery, has confirmed that each new version of Morrissey was exponentially worse than the one before and that the trend was accelerating.

She explained, “The speed at which his wankery expands is frankly quite terrifying.

“After all, it took decades for him just to evolve from a whiny introvert leeching off Johnny Marr’s talent to a sanctimonious vegan who can’t handle his lack of solo success.

Since then he has snowballed into a purulent racist bellend with the undeserved sense of persecution that only an adulated rich artist can really develop. Who knows what the next step will be?”

Dr Williams also explained that Morrissey could piggyback off a seasonal malevolence and spread like wildfire.

She went on, “So far his brand of dickishness mainly affected ageing music fans unable to admit that the Smiths were neither that good or not as much comfort in their teenage years as they pretend.

“But we worry that he could latch onto something more virulent like a Farage or a Nick Ferrari and then no one would be safe.

“The truth is we don’t have many natural defences against an openly political Morrissey. The best we have is watching any interview of him after 1990.

“I don’t care how much you think How Soon Is Now changed your life. I dare you to sit through five minutes of Morrissey speaking without getting that weird uncomfortable feeling like you just realised you put on yesterday’s knickers before going to work.”

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