Priti Patel announces fines for households with more than one snowman

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Home Secretary and smirking moral black hole Priti Patel has announced new measures to stop the spread of Coronavirus.

With more snow having fallen over much of the United Kingdom today, Priti Patel was quick to instruct police forces nationwide to take swift, decisive action to stop the spread of the virus from human to snowman to human.

“It’s clear to me that while many households are obeying the rules regarding meeting only one other person outdoors, some are hellbent on breaking these rules,” she told press outside Downing Street this afternoon.

“And they are doing this by building not one, but sometimes two, snowmen in their back gardens, and therefore breaking the rules about meeting more than one other person from outside their households, and also inviting people into their back gardens.”

She explained, “Yes, snowmen are different to humans, but I always make sure I treat everyone fairly regardless of race or even species, because I am most definitely not a borderline racist lacking any shred of empathy who sold her soul to Satan shortly after joining the Conservative Party to further her career.

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“Definitely not.”

Education Secretary and walking calamity Gavin Williamson issued a statement in support of the fines, saying, “You may think snowmen can’t spread a virus, but I saw a documentary about a snowman once who took a boy on a long flight to a distant land where they danced with other snowmen without the faintest regard to social distancing.

“And then the snowman died and I cried. So this is no laughing matter.”