£500 self-isolation payment actually just £3.68 after contract to distribute money won by Chartwells

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Leaked plans to give anyone with a positive diagnosis of COVID-19 a payment of £500 to encourage self-isolation are already facing criticism after it was revealed that Chartwells had won the contract to distribute the payments.

A leaked document from the Department of Health has revealed that ministers are discussing proposals to make the one-off payment to anyone with a positive test result in a bid to stop the spread of Coronavirus, but critics have pointed out the obvious flaw in the scheme.

“Haha, Chartwells, you say?” laughed one Mum of two from Slough, who had just returned from the foodbank.

“I’d love to see some photos of the actual cash from people who receive this five hundred quid payment.

“If Chartwells have anything to do with it I suspect it will consist of a few quid, some Monopoly money and a long-expired HMV voucher.”

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Defending the move, Health Secretary Matt Hancock told press this morning, “Obviously I am disappointed that this story has leaked before we had everything in place, even though it was me who leaked it in a pitiful attempt to make it look like I care about literally anyone.

“Even if it is just three or four quid by the time it reaches the plebs, that’s still better than nothing, and they should be grateful.

“And they say we don’t care about the poor. Ridiculous.”

The announcement has fueled rumours that the reason why Laurence Fox refuses to wear a mask is that he is intentionally trying to catch the virus so that at least he’ll earn some cash this year.