Monday 23 November 2020 by Arabin Patson

Spike of deadly plague unlikely to make Christmas any worse, say Brits


Man miserable this Christmas

As people braced themselves for the yearly gauntlet of drunken family disputes framed by nauseating tat, the prime minister’s decision to add a death lottery to the Christmas 2020 celebrations was shrugged off by Britons for whom December couldn’t be any worse if you tried.

Simon Williams, a furloughed accountant in Swansea who has been sinking 3 bottles of wine daily since the John Lewis ad release, said that knowing that Christmas dinner might kill some of the people attending just gave reality to what he wishes every year.

“To be honest, when the sprouts go on the boil, I am already yearning for the sweet release of death and by the time the Queen’s speech is over I hope everyone else would die too.

“Can you honestly tell me you don’t believe our species deserves to be wiped out when someone tries to rope you into some sad attempt at making a song ‘number one for Crimbo’?

“Can you go to any supermarket in December and not conclude that humanity has failed to live up to its promise and it’s time to let the orangutans run things?

“Christmas and COVID seem like natural bedfellows. They are both ruinous, impossible to escape and only the worst of arseholes think it’s a good excuse to get together in large groups.”

Mr Williams admitted he would see the situation differently by January.

“Once I sober up, I will naturally hate Boris Johnson for letting thousands die just so that he doesn’t look like a humbug.

“But until then, I’ll wish all the plagues of man on any cunt who wonders out loud if it will snow on the 25th.”

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