Monday 23 November 2020 by Matt Ward

Independent inquiries to be replaced by asking Boris Johnson what he thinks


Boris Johnson thumbs up for independent inquiry

Expensive and time-consuming independent inquiries are to be abolished and replaced by asking the Prime Minister to adjudicate, with his heavily biased opinions and stupid hair.

After Boris Johnson backed Home Secretary Priti Patel over a thorough bullying inquiry that found her to be unequivocally guilty, the entire Conservative party agreed the prime minister may as well handle all of these kinds of things from now on.

“Independent inquiries are all very well, but the trouble is, you never know which way they’re going to go,” said Conservative party spokesperson, Simon Williams.

“OK, so a thorough report found she shat on the Ministerial Code by creating a culture of fear while shouting and swearing her way through the Home Office, Work and Pensions and International Development departments – but – that’s not the same as Boris saying, ‘I don’t think Priti Patel is a bully’.

“Next time, we could save a lot of time and money by just giving Boris the brief details of what people are claiming happened, and asking him for a quick thumbs up or thumbs down.

“It’s a bit like Caesar at the Colosseum – except where people who don’t agree with us just immediately resign instead of actually dying.

“That’s right folks. We’re in power and we’ll do what the fuck we want.”

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