Saturday 21 November 2020 by Chris Ballard

Government to launch test and trace system in order to locate world-beating test and trace system

Hancock Test and Trace system

The Government is implementing a new test and trace system for test and trace systems because it appears to have mislaid its world-beating one.

Back in the spring, Boris Johnson announced the development of a ‘world-beating’ test and trace system – not just because this sounded like the sort of rhetoric he should be spaffing all over the public, but because the finest brains in his cabinet were masterminding a devastatingly effective, coordinated response to coronavirus.

“Unfortunately, that brilliant system has been misplaced,” said Matt Hancock.

“If you look closely, you’ll notice that we currently appear to be using an absolute clusterfuck of a system with disparate elements run by incompetent contractors at a cost of billions of taxpayer pounds.

“Really not sure how this happened. Don’t worry though, because we’ve just launched a new world-beating system which will trace the original world-beating system. Then we’ll have this Covid thing licked!”

The new system’s name is Simon Williams, a recent Cheese Studies graduate from the University of Barry Island.

“Yeah, so my job is to test a load of systems and see if they’re the world-beating test and trace one,” said Simon.

“If I find it, then I have to write a letter to Mr Hancock immediately – with a first-class stamp and everything.

“The first system the government sent me turned out to be a Sega Master System – a sort of medieval Playstation with stickmen jumping around.

“I did quite like this ninja game, but I don’t think it would help with coronavirus, even though there was this cool special move which instantly killed all the baddies on screen.

“Then these scary looking guys with guitars turned up at my door and played a song called ‘Hypnotize.’ A thorough examination revealed them to be the band System of a Down and they had absolutely nothing to do with viral swab tests.

“This morning I unpacked a scale model of the sun with all the planets… oh, I see where this is going…”

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