Wednesday 11 November 2020 by Mark Molloy

Guinness recalls cans of non-alcoholic stout because, what’s the point?


Guinness no alocohol

Guinness is recalling all cans of its non-alcoholic stout today because there is absolutely no point in drinking it.

The brewer, who launched the new Guinness 0.0 brand just two weeks ago is urgently working with supermarkets and other shops to remove all of the products from the shelves as soon as possible, as there is just no point drinking the stuff if it doesn’t get you pissed.

A spokesman for the company revealed this morning, “Yeah there’s just absolutely no point drinking it is there?

“Everyone knows that Guinness turns your shit black, for at least two full days after you’ve had a few cans, and the gasses you release are just plain vile.

“So obviously drinking it with no alcohol in at all, for about £1.25 a can, is just a waste of everybody’s time.

“Granted, drinking a few cans of Guinness is sometimes just like having a large meal, and to some of our more regular customers that’s actually the only food they get, so we would, of course, encourage people to continue to drink normal Guinness as much as possible, with the added bonus of getting pleasantly pissed.”

Asked if people who have already purchased the non- alcoholic brand should finish drinking what they have we were told: “They could do yes, but seriously, what’s the fucking point?”

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