I have won this election fair and square, insists man also claiming entire process is fraudulent

A man has claimed victory in the US election, whilst simultaneously claiming that it is so rigged that the other side is stealing it from him.

Donald Trump, a failed businessman and successful racist, has this morning claimed both that he has won the election and also that he will be going to the Supreme Court as he suspects his opponents have stolen it from him.

“I won yesterday’s election bigly fair and square,” he slurred to reporters, waiting for the latest hit of Adderall to take effect.

“I won it, but it looks like I haven’t, because the communist Joe Biden has pulled the sneaky trick of cheating democracy by convincing more people to vote for him. SAD.”

He went on, “I won and I should be staying in the White House with my wife Ivanka – I mean, Melania – and I’m gonna call the cops on anyone who tries to force me out, even if they use a so-called democratic election to do it.”

Asked for comment, Democratic nominee Joe Biden responded, “The best thing about America is that it is a democracy, where an election is won by whoever gets the most votes.

“Unless that person is Hillary, of course. It’s a bit confusing, thinking about it.

“Still, we won’t know who has won until we hold the election. It’s next week, isn’t it?”