Simon Williams MP, Minister for Jingoistic Dross, has confirmed that a hugely expensive mass gathering is just what the nation needs to deal with a contagious disease pandemic while the economy collapses.
Speaking to the BBC, Mr Williams announced the official launch of a £120 million festival designed to celebrate Great Britain and the many diverse ways it’s better than other countries.
He told reporters, “I know some people worry it’s going to be a horrific waste of public money and so trashy it will make everyone deeply ashamed to be British, well, except for Nigel Farage who will be jizzing buckets.
“But we also know that the British public would much prefer for a fortune to be spent on telling ourselves we are better than others, instead of giving a £100 bonus to all NHS Staff.
“It’s especially important as we face tough times ahead. Not my department but I understand we are totally unprepared for the coming winter wave of COVID-19, we are going to lose free access to our biggest market and no new trading partner will trust our word.
“So now you see why we need our spirits lifted. Also, I can’t think of any reason why a huge show with thousands packed together is not a brilliant idea.”
The show is set to include a musical tribute to desserts made with kidney fat, a motorised stunt show using British classics like the Austin Montego, and Jim Davidson reading a Kipling poem while a giant EU flag is burnt by schoolchildren wearing NHS nurses costumes while taking turns to spit on an effigy of Meghan Markle.