Wednesday 9 September 2020 by Davywavy

Boris Johnson bans all gatherings of six people or more to avoid seeing all of his children


Boris briefing on new restrictions

Boris Johnson has announced that social gatherings of more than six people are to be banned in an attempt to free him from the obligation to spend time with his unknown number of children.

The Prime Minister said that coronavirus cases are also rising, which has helped with the justification for the restrictions, but that the main driver is to limit the amount of time he has to spend at the weekends with his progeny.

A government spokesperson told reporters, “As the party of family values, it’s important that Boris is seen to be spending time with all his children – but frankly that’s a lot of time he has to spend out there visiting kids.  So it’s much easier if we just introduce a new rule that says he can’t spend any time with them for a few weeks.

“Just because we introduce rules to let Boris avoid his children doesn’t mean we’re no longer the party of family values, just like we’re still the party of law and order despite admitting yesterday that we’re perfectly happy breaking laws.”

However, a Downing Street spokesperson added that the new restrictions do not mean the prime minister will be avoiding all of his children.

They clarified, “There’s the new one, Wilfred, obviously. And because you all already know about him, he’s considered the important one – so Boris can’t really ignore him.

“He did ask if it was possible to extend the new restrictions to include total self-isolation for post-natal women and the babies they’ve given birth to in the last six months, but he was told the justification for the move would be considered ‘weak’.

“But he keeps asking, so I wouldn’t rule it out entirely.”

Don’t blame me, I didn’t vote for him – get the T-shirt here!

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