Thursday 13 August 2020

Student who spent three years gathering blackmail material on his teachers ‘very confident’ about his exam results


A Level results

18-year-old Jake Williams is delighted that his three-year-long plan to gather blackmail materials on his teachers is about to pay off big time.

As thousands of A-Level students wait nervously for their results, Williams said he is entirely relaxed and confident his teachers will have “done the right thing”, given the circumstances.

He told us, “The swots in the class would always insist the secret to good grades was spending hours and hours with your head in a book – my view was that it was much more about long lens photography, going through the odd bin, and trawling the social media accounts of the people who teach us.

“I’m not saying that the coronavirus and cancelled exams has been a good thing, but let’s just say I’m expecting some pretty spectacular A-Level results today.

“I’m expecting four A*’s, which will come as a surprise to my parents considering I only took three A-Levels, but that photo I got of Mr Hammond booking into the Travelodge down the road with his teaching assistant means I’m pretty certain I’m getting an A* in Physics, too.

“Sure, I don’t doubt there will be students who get an immense sense of satisfaction from getting the grades they studied hard for – I’m just not one of them.

“My A-Levels are nothing but a stepping stone onto the next phase of my career, and I just happen to have found the most efficient way to succeed.

“Yes, I’m looking forward to a long and fruitful career in politics, why do you ask?”

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