Wetherspoons launches Enoch & Nigel’s Ice Cream as patriotic alternative to Ben & Jerry’s

Talking troll doll Tim Martin has stepped into the Home Office’s online squabble with ice-cream makers Ben & Jerry’s over whether or not boat migrants have souls, by creating rival offerings such as Sovereign Strawberry Swirl and Go Home Ganache.

Darren Williams, vice-president of the new company and WW2 reenactment enthusiast, explained that nationalistic Brits in search of elaborately named frozen treats were no longer forced to give money to “virtue-signalling globalists”.

He went on, “Our country is being invaded by very small numbers of unarmed people and Ben & Jerry’s only response is to point out the human tragedies that lead to this instead of behaving like good Englishmen and screaming about sending in the gunboats.

“Well we won’t stand for it and we are going to beat them at their own game with our tasty creations like Bendy Banana Bonanza and Farage’s Fish Fight.

“That one has little chocolates shaped like a long-dead halibut that’s been dumped into the Thames in a pathetic attempt at symbolism.”

Mr Williams did admit there were some teething problems in the early phases of the new marketing strategy.

He went on, “We got a few of Tim’s friends in a focus group and got them to brainstorm names. But market research indicated that White Homeland Walnut Whip or Great Replacement Gelato apparently lacked mass appeal. So we have had to make changes on the fly.

“Want to try our latest flavour? I wanted to say it beats all the competition so I’ve named it Final Solution Fudge.”

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