Tuesday 11 August 2020 by Neil Tollfree

Boris Johnson confident system of rolling dice to determine exam results is robust and fair

Boris Johnson exam results

Prime Minister Boris Johnson has sought to reassure pupils awaiting exam results that his system of rolling dice to determine A-level grades is both robust and fair.

“I would like to take this opportunity to assure the nation’s children that we have used the very best methodology to award A-level grades,” he said, confidentially.

“Across the country, we’ve had a crack team of exam markers throwing dice against the wall and awarding A for a six, B for a five, and so on.”

The method was decided upon by Education Secretary Gavin Williamson who initially proposed a plan of determining exam grades by flipping a coin. However, the plan was abandoned after it was explained to him that there were six exam grades and only two sides of a coin.

Some education experts had originally suggested that the Government use a complex prediction methodology based on pupils’ existing results and future results as predicted by teachers.

“Yes, we did consider something like that,” said Johnson.

“But then we realised it would be really difficult and we’re not terribly good and doing difficult things. So, we decided against that.”

The Government then briefly went with a plan of throwing darts at a board to determine exam grades, but after several fatalities, that technique was deemed too dangerous.

However, Johnson remained confident that the Government’s method of dice-rolling would prove fair, and took the time to offer advice to pupils unhappy with their results.

“Fuck ‘em! Little shits don’t vote, so what does it matter.”

Don’t blame me, I didn’t vote for him – get the T-shirt here!

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