Friday 7 August 2020 by Pete Redfern

Boris asks Captain Tom to do some more laps after wasting all the money he raised buying faulty PPE masks from Tory donors


Boris asks Captain Tom to raise some more money please

Boris Johnson has today asked Captain Sir Tom Moore if he wouldn’t mind doing a few more laps around his garden for the NHS.

The former British Army Officer raised over £32 million by completing 100 laps of his garden in April for the NHS to fight the COVID-19 pandemic, the entire sum of which was promptly pissed right up the wall by Boris Johnson on PPE masks that didn’t work, bought from a brand new company run by an opportunist Tory donor.

“We will always be eternally grateful for the money raised by Captain Sir Tom Moore,” gushed the Prime Minister outside Downing Street this morning.

“And his herculean effort will not be forgotten, certainly not by those brand new companies with all that money sitting in their banks.”

He continued, “Sadly, though, that thirty-two million was part of the hundred and fifty million-plus contract we awarded to Ayanda Capital Limited – who are good mates with Liz Truss – to supply fifty million masks to the NHS, which have unfortunately turned out to be entirely faulty and totally unusable.

“In my defence, Liz just said to me one day ‘Can we give loads of money to some mates of mine for some masks’, which seemed entirely reasonable and not in any way corrupt, at all.

“So Captain Sir Tom Moore will have to do about five hundred laps just so that we can break even, I’m afraid. But we wish him luck and look forward to seeing all the donations rolling in soon.”

He added, “In return, we will grant Captain Sir Tom anything he wishes.

“Apart from a guarantee that the NHS won’t be sold off to America as part of a future trade deal, of course.”

A Cabinet of Arseholes – get the T-shirt here!

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