PizzaGate conspiracy theorist desperately trying to ignore Trump-shaped hole on his vision board

author avatar by 3 years ago

A local conspiracy theorist is reportedly “still very confident” in his belief in the infamous PizzaGate conspiracy theory, and has confirmed that he has “no idea what you’re talking about” when asked about the giant Donald Trump-shaped hole on his vision board.

In an exclusive interview with NewsThump, internet conspiracy theorist and man who’s monthly yarn usage is through the roof, TruthWarrior69, confirmed that he had been conducting a years-long investigation into PizzaGate, a conspiracy theory which implicates a number of high profile US politicians in an international child sex trafficking ring.

Despite the theory being widely regarded among the educated world as “absolute horseshit”, the theory has gained traction in recent years among supporters of US President Donald Trump, apparently unaware of the fact that Trump himself is a well-documented friend of a literal child sex trafficker.

According to Mr Warrior69, despite the decades-long association Trump has had with the likes of Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell, he’s “definitely not” involved in PizzaGate, and that all of the threads of string he’s put up in his bedroom definitely don’t end in a giant Trump-shaped hole.

“It’s a simple theory! The Clintons and other high-ranking Democrats have been secretly running an international child sex trafficking ring out of a small pizzeria in DC! What’s hard to believe!?” said the 43-year-old son of two.

“People keep trying to tell me that our amazing leader is actually the one who’s secretly involved in a paedophile ring, but there’s just no evidence for that!

“I mean, there are dozens of examples in the PizzaGate emails that make it clear – like when Hillary says ‘let’s order a pizza, it’ll be a late night’, she clearly means ‘lets sexually traffic some children’.

“There’s no such clear evidence when it comes to Trump! Just because we have photographs and he admits it, doesn’t mean he knows any sex traffickers!”

Mr Warrior69 refused to say whether he would look into the allegations further, although he did reaffirm his vow to shine a light on “any theories that Big Brother tries to hide from the people”, and are also readily searchable on Google.