After reports that ISIS bride-slash-reality television hate figure, Shamima Begum, was granted the right to return to the UK to fight the revocation of her British citizenship, firefighters were called to reports of spontaneous human combustions of numerous red-faced gammons at the Daily Mail offices in London.
One eyewitness and office cleaner, Simon Williams, told us, “It seemed like just a normal day of simmering discontent and bloviation when someone turned on the televisions screens to the BBC news channel. I thought, this can’t be good.
“Then that ISIS girl appeared with some headline about her being allowed back into the country to fight her case against the government.
“I thought, ‘oh, shit’ – I could feel the rage levels hit def-con 1, so I hid under the table with my bucket. It was carnage. I was surrounded by raging white men ripping the shirts from their chests, kissing union jack flags and lobbing chairs at the screens.
“Then before you could say ‘someone call Tommy Robinson for a quote’, they all just burst into flames and disappeared into thin air. Just, deadly quiet. To be honest, it is the calmest I’ve seen the place since before the Windrush ship rocked up in the 1940s.”
One of the first firefighters on the scene said, “I thought I was too late. Then I saw someone emerge from the toilets, but before I could change the channel over, I just heard him scream ‘what the fuck?!!’ before igniting into an incendiary ball of pure grizzled hate-rage.”
Reports suggest senior executives at ‘The Sun’ newspaper are standing by with fire extinguishers in the hope their reporters get distracted by Meghan Markle spouting further perfectly normal views about something inconsequential.