Brazilian President and man who thought Star Wars was about Palpatine, Jair Bolsonaro, has confirmed that despite his positive diagnosis for coronavirus yesterday, the mask he is currently wearing is only because his “breath is so masculine, women immediately become pregnant”.
Mr Bolsonaro, who has spent the majority of the last 6 months decrying the coronavirus has a “hoax”, was confirmed to have the coronavirus yesterday afternoon. According to reports, Bolsonaro was surprised that he caught the virus, despite the fact that he actively avoided using any forms of protection or distancing, and discouraged 200 million people to do the same.
Appearing in front of press this morning, Bolsonaro was quick to confirm that the mask he was wearing was not actually because he tested positive for the coronavirus, but was due to the sexual potency of his respiration.
“Please don’t be alarmed by the presence of this mask. As I have said for months, masks do not protect people from coronavirus. My staff have made me wear a mask due to an unrelated reason I just found out about, that my breath is so masculine, it can actually make women pregnant.”
The Brazilian leader also claimed that some of the other symptoms he was exhibiting, although identical to symptoms of coronavirus, were actually the result of his ‘manliness’.
“Some people have said that I look tired. In fact, I have such a masculine energy, I appear to be slow, whereas I am actually just waiting for the right moment to strike.
“Some have noted that I have been coughing a lot. But what is a cough if not poison breath? My enemies will die a slow death.”
When asked about any concerns he may have about the coronavirus being potentially fatal to sufferers his age, Mr Bolsonaro dismissed the claims.
“Real men don’t die of coronavirus. They die of completely unrelated things that definitely couldn’t have been prevented with a better public health response and less conspiracy theory-peddling.
“That’s the kind of man I am!”