Tuesday 7 July 2020 by Arabin Patson

Care home workers apologise to Boris Johnson for going on holiday instead of attending COBRA pandemic meetings


Care home workers to blame for deaths

The Prime Minister has lambasted the nation’s care home workers for their lackadaisical attitude towards COVID-19 in its early stages and for their critical failure to take crucial steps like temperature checks at airports or cancelling the Cheltenham horse races.

Simone Wilyamsoyo, a Zimbabwean nurse in Daventry who voluntarily locked herself in with her charges in late March, was one of many care home workers to tearfully admit her role in giving the UK the highest death toll in Europe by a large margin.

She told us, “I’m so sorry. I have seen so many of my patients die and was so busy trying to keep the others safe that I forgot to join a European PPE procurement scheme or to declare a complete lockdown once we saw the horrific cost of Italy’s failure to do so early enough.

“I see now that Prime Minister Johnson is right and that it is me and my colleagues who are to blame for the 30,000 care home deaths because we were the ones who could impose nationwide social distancing measures when it would have actually helped.”

Ms Wilyamsoyo assured the press she was not being sarcastic and she was delighted at Boris Johnson’s decision to place blame for care home deaths on low paid care staff who also died in large numbers.

She went on, “He has rightfully shamed us, and I can only beg forgiveness from the relatives of the 30,000 care home fatalities that I could have prevented if only I wasn’t so preoccupied with swanning drunkenly around stately homes pretending I’m Churchill.”

As a sign of gratitude, she bestowed on the prime minister a Shona title that she maintained was honorific but must have been some sort of dialect as Google Translate thinks it means “feckless murdering c*nt”.

Don’t blame me, I didn’t vote for him – get the T-shirt here!

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