Thursday 2 July 2020 by Chris Ballard

Leicester parents back on the booze as schools close again

homeschooling parents in Leicester

Supermarkets in Leicester are running low on all kinds of alcohol as parents are once again forced to homeschool their children.

Simon Williams’ complexion had noticeably improved since his five-year-old son went back to school at the beginning of June.

His wrinkles were less visible, his cheeks less red and puffy and his adult acne had completely cleared up.

The reason? With little Benjamin out of the house, Simon didn’t need to drink constantly just to make it through the day.

“As soon as Ben put his school uniform on I felt that I could breathe again,” said Simon.

“The bottle of vodka dropped from my hand the moment he trotted through the school gates. I wasn’t alone – there was a cacophony of broken glass as all the mums and dads emptied the brown paper bags they would no longer need.

“I suddenly had a whole new lease of life.

“By the 3rd of June I was putting milk on my cornflakes rather than Jack Daniels.

“After months of sending typo-riddled emails as I tried to ignore the precocious lecturing of Dino Dana, I was actually doing work to a standard which might not get me fired.

“At lunchtime, I started going for a run instead of doing shots while trying to explain why the big hand pointing to the nine means fifteen minutes to the hour.

“Even my wife told me I was no longer completely repulsive. I was almost, what’s the word… ‘happy’.”

Simon’s story is typical of parents all over Leicester. Sadly, the local lockdown means they have now reverted to their old ways.

“Don’t worry, I’ll get through it,” said Simon, his eyes already bloodshot and his nose ruddy. “This week it’s words ending in ‘ight’ and homemade cocktails.

“You know, this Babycham and Amstel ain’t half bad…”

I survived homeschooling 2020 – get the T-shirt here!

Previous post:

Next post: