Friday 3 July 2020

Man in pub sitting obediently at safe social distance actually just four pints from hugging strangers at the urinal

Man in the pub

As pubs across the country get ready to reopen under new social distancing guidelines, everyone has been reminded how obedient drunk people are when it comes to sticking to the rules of good behaviour.

With social distancing and table service only, many groups sat in pubs across the country will happily adhere to the new guidelines until about their third round, according to sources.

“It’s the fourth pint that will prove problematic,” insisted researcher Simon Williams.

“One pint – fine.  Two pints – then all you start thinking about at the third and fourth pints. Three pints – suddenly you remember you’re sat with your best friends in all the world.  Four pints – the guy stood at the urinal really looks like he could do with a hug.

“There is no way to avoid this. It’s science.”

Landlord Derek Matthews told us, “We’ve followed every rule, and changed the layout of the pub so that everyone can enjoy a beer, while sitting in groups of no more than six, and all be a safe distance from each other.  There is no reason that the consumption of alcohol should have any effect on people’s ability to do what they’re told.”

Former pub regular Dave Daniels told us, “I’m a hugger, what can I say?

“I know people who get a drink inside them and want to fight anyone who even looks at them funny. Me? I just want to give you a big cuddle and hold you close enough to smell which particular ale you’ve been imbibing.

“That said, I really don’t think I’ll have an issue with the new social distancing rules.

“Well, not unless I have four pints.”

I’m an outdoors guy, take me to the nearest beer garden – get the T-shirt here!

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