Monday 29 June 2020 by Arabin Patson

Faith in government restored after Boris Johnson puts out a cigarette on his tongue

Boris Johnson puts cigarette out on toungue

In an exclusive interview with the Daily Mail, Boris Johnson denied his government was floundering cluelessly and showed his vision of the future by performing manly feats of strength like doing a single push-up and throwing a tennis ball over the roof of number 10.

Daily Mail columnist Simon Williams penned an editorial saying that the country was on the road to recovery now that they saw the Prime Minister jump over the sofa without even a run-up.

“As the death toll mounts and we face a No-Deal Brexit in a recession, it is easy to become defeatist and just resign ourselves to a dark future full of gloom and shitting in food containers. But this Prime Minister has turned things around by winning three games of slapsies against our photographer and downing a pint in under 5 seconds.

“Whatever the future brings, we know we will face it while led by a man who can put out a fag on his tongue then drink a vodka shot straight after.

“And, although we could not witness this at the time, Boris Johnson’s ability to crack walnuts with his bare hands will impress those weak EU leaders. I’m sure they’ll give us a great deal once we show them what we can do with a yard of ale.”

However, the positive mood was once again dogged by Tory infighting after rumours surfaced of Michael Gove doing a backflip off a park bench as well as sightings of Dominic Raab making a big show of removing his wedding ring and telling people to find him a brick. Any brick.

Don’t blame me, I didn’t vote for him – get your T-shirt here!

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