Tuesday 23 June 2020 by Arabin Patson

Airplane banners the latest weapon in lifting the taboo on micropenises

White lives matter Burnley

The use of banner messages towed by light aircraft has undergone a revival of late as many men have used the old-timey advertising method to inform the world that they would no longer hide the fact they were hung like a refrigerated dormouse.

Jake Hepple, a Burnley supporter with the genital package of a 20-week fetus, was one of many brave souls to hire airplane banners in the hope that society will become more accepting of men who look like they have a small mushroom stuck in their pubes.

Speaking from his bunk in a Burnley halfway house, Mr Hepple explained why he decided to tell a whole stadium and millions of television viewer that he has less sexual potency than a spayed marmoset.

“I was always terrified people would find out I had a microdick, or that I can’t tell right from left. But no more! I may be a friendless racist who has never accomplished anything, but I will no longer stuff a sock down my skegs just to fit in with all the other guys taking a mandatory drug test.

“I used all the compo money I got from claiming injuries from loose paving stones and hired a plane. I was inspired by an American fellow micro-jake hepplewilly who came out using a Confederate flag flying over a NASCAR race.”

Although the way of announcement his condition seems anachronistic, it seems Mr Hepple’s strategy paid off as by morning most of the nation agreed he must have a shockingly microscopic wang.

The airplane company that flew the banner was not available for comment as they had just managed to spectacularly fuck themselves out of business.

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