People who get a kick out of risking their lives can’t wait for cinemas to reopen so they can fill their boots at the self-service sweet counter.
Cinemas may be allowed to reopen next month as the government continues to ease lockdown measures – and it’s not just movie fans who are excited by this news.
Simon Williams is an extreme sports fanatic. Before the coronavirus pandemic he would travel the world seeking out the highest bungee jumps, the deepest underwater caves and the steepest cliffs from which to throw himself.
“It was a potentially deadly and prohibitively expensive hobby,” said Simon. “Which is why the consumption of cinema confectionery has become the perfect alternative.
“Think about all those schoolchildren fingering the sherbet lemons! Eating a cinema snack will be like playing Russian Roulette during a HALO skydive.
“Who knows how many coronavirus particles will be lurking in the cola bottles? Will a handful of white mice lead to an extended stay in an ICU? The choice between a black or red wine gun could be the difference between life and death.
“It’s all so incredibly exciting!
“I’ve already started training by sneaking into the local hospital, scattering Haribos all over the floor and randomly selecting sweets to eat. Obviously hospitals get disinfected regularly and aren’t exposed to the grubby mitts of children whose idea of handwashing is to dip them into a muddy puddle, but there is still enough danger to give me a minor thrill.
“However, the real adrenaline rush will begin in July when the Odeon wheels out its communal virus trolley!”
A spokesman for Odeon said, “We would like to reassure all our customers that our entire range of snacks will be thoroughly soaked in bleach before being put out on display.”