Saturday 20 June 2020 by Rich Ratson

Druids facing summer solstice shock as protesters demolish ‘monument to oppression’ at Stonehenge


Stone Henge taken down as monument to oppression

Druids arriving at Stonehenge to conduct their archaic rites celebrating the summer solstice have been shocked to find the complex dragged to the ground in the name of woke sensitivity.

A contractor for English Heritage clambered off his bulldozer to confirm the destruction had taken place sometime in the last 24 hours after protesters had complained that the 5,000-year-old memorial was an offensive symbol of historic tyranny.

“The megaliths weigh up to 25 tons, so let’s face it, it’s unlikely they were erected without some form of slave labour. I doubt subjugated Neolithic hunter-gatherers enjoyed much in the way of freedom from oppression, decent healthcare, or plasma TVs.

“We’re not happy about it either; Stonehenge is our biggest cash cow, requiring very little outlay in the way of weatherproofing, theft insurance, or coherent explanation as to its intended use.

“Sadly, before we could hastily rewrite the guidebook to claim the stones were erected by a happy band of anarcho-syndicalist peaceniks brimming with jolly songs and jokes, the first protestors and TV crews were frenziedly charging over the horizon, like Braveheart with Goretex.

“They planned to drag it to the nearest canal, but realised moving the stones more than a few feet was going to be impossible.  So they settled for tipping most of them over.”

Chief Arch-Druid Gerald ap Whelkweasel said, “It’s oppression of middle-aged white men with beards and Hotter sandals gone mad.

“Our ancient rituals, documented as far back as the 1950s, demonstrate the circle’s symbolic and healing significance right up to the present day. Well, yesterday, apparently.

“Only back in February the High Filchferret Jacob Rees Mogg led the commons’ Chapter of Charlatanery here in an arcane Imbolc cleansing ritual to defend the country from all contagion and pestilence. You can’t argue with the results, and George Eustace can nearly walk straight-legged again.”

Negotiating a compromise scaled-down ceremony, the assembled druids, hippies, and data entry analysts agreed to incorporate ‘taking ye noble tibia’ into their inevitably rain-lashed folderols.

English Heritage has promised to safeguard the historic site’s millennia-old dignity and respect in its imminent reincarnation as Jester Jeff’s Enchanted Carriage Nexus of Amazonian Allurements, measuring 400,000 square cubits.

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