Friday 19 June 2020 by Mark Molloy

UK virus tracing app switches to the ‘Ask Jeeves – Friends Reunited’ model


Matt Hancock unveils new track and trace app

The government has revealed today that they are ditching their current contact tracing app in favour of a new world-beating Ask Jeeves – Friends Reunited model.

In another major u-turn by the UK in the handling of the pandemic, the previous NHS tracing app has been dramatically dropped in favour of what the government believe will be a revolutionary new partnership with a pair of technology giants.

Health Secretary Matt Hancock confirmed “We have decided to abandon our previous model after spending weeks and weeks pissing about due to various inaccuracies in the data, meaning that it was essentially a waste of everyone’s time.

“However, following extensive discussions, we are delighted to announce that we have now come up with what we consider will be a world-beating app powered by two leaders in the field of interactive social technology.

“The app will be very simple to use, requiring the user to simply Ask Jeeves if he thinks they have coronavirus based on current symptoms, and if the answer is yes to post a message on the Friends Reunited website telling everyone they know to get a test.

“We are confident that we can get the app up and running by early 2023 and trials are due to start next December.”

Asked if there are any concerns that some people might not actually be on Friends Reunited anymore we were told, “We’ve thought of that, which is why they can post on MySpace too”

A Cabinet of Arseholes – get the T-shirt here!

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