Friday 19 June 2020 by Runi Talwar

Boris announces dramatic fall in child poverty after government defines adulthood as legally starting at age 6


Boris solves child poverty

Boris Johnson has been hailed a “hero on par with the great Marcus Rashford” today after he confirmed to the nation that child poverty was at the lowest level it has ever been.

The news came mere minutes after the government announced a separate and complete unrelated measure to legally recategorise adulthood to start at 6-years-old.

The Tory government, which has come under heavy scrutiny this week for its failure to substantially tackle the issue of child poverty in Britain, has now claimed that the problem is “all but solved”, based on the current statistics.

“The numbers don’t lie,” said Prime Minister and spokesperson for Dominic Cummings, Boris Johnson.

“Since our government has been in power, and despite the extraordinary circumstances surrounding Covid-19, we have managed a record low number of children in poverty. In fact, we’ve got a record low number of children in general, which as a father is something I fully support.

“The work my government has done will make sure that no child goes to bed hungry tonight. There may be 1.3 million young adults that go hungry, but it’s important to remember – that’s not a ‘child poverty’ issue.”

Johnson said he was inspired to once and for all resolve the issue of child poverty by the successful campaign launched by footballer Marcus Rashford this week.

“I spoke to young Ethan Rathbone, and his message was simply inspiring. He just said to me ‘There are too many kids who are going hungry in our country’, and as soon as I heard the first half of that sentence, I immediately knew what had to be done.”

The prime minister also used the press conference to tease a new, unrelated scheme, which he says will allow the country to use “approximately 1.3 million really cheap labourers” they had just found.

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