Friday 19 June 2020 by Chris Ballard

Government’s Covid-19 alert level reduced from ‘Asleep’ to ‘Comatose’

Boris hails alert level coming down

The UK has somehow become even less alert to the dangers of coronavirus, according to reports this morning.

After months of sleepwalking its way through a global pandemic, the UK government has finally decided to get into bed and have a proper kip.

“It’s such a relief not to have to be so alert all the time,” said Matt Hancock, barely audible under a 13.5 tog duvet.

“It all started in March when we had to be so alert that we actually had to get out of bed and implement a lockdown week too late.

“But we couldn’t rest there. We then had to be completely on the ball in order to scramble around failing to obtain adequate supplies of PPE and ventilators.

“And totally cocking up a virus tracing app doesn’t happen without superhuman levels of vigilance.

“Honestly, I’m knackered. All that thinking and being responsible for things. That’s not why I became an MP.

“And those daily statistics – how am I supposed to have a bloody clue what they mean? I just use words like ‘sad’ and ‘encouraging’ and hope for the best. ‘Today’s deaths have been encouragingly sad’.

“It’ll be nice not to have to be so watchful. ‘Some people have probably died today, don’t worry about it,’ is a much more manageable message.”

The government will be updating its official guidance in line with the new alert rating.

The new slogan will be ‘Chillax; Don’t worry about the virus; Go shopping’.

A Cabinet of Arseholes – get the T-shirt here!

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