Australia to ship 164,000 convicts to Britain to repay previous gift before a new trade deal is agreed

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Before any new trade deal can be negotiated, Australia is to send Britain over one hundred and sixty thousand convicts to repay their generosity in the nineteenth century.

British Prime Minister Dominic Cummings used his spokesperson Boris Johnson to hold a press conference this morning to promote the benefits of an exciting post-Brexit trade deal with Australia, just like the one it had whilst being a member of the EU.

A spokesman for the Australian government, Bruce Williams, told reporters, “Oh yeah, mate, we saw the speech by yer fella Boris this morning. Tryin’ to talk about Tim Tams, Vegemite and boomerangs like he had any clue what they were before he hopped on Wikipedia and had a quick search for ‘Aussie clichés’ this morning.

“First things first, though, mate! Before you start sending yer bloody Penguin bars – whatever they are mate – over here, we need to first repay you for what you sent us a few hundred years ago, eh?”

He continued, “We hear you’ve taken control of yer borders, right mate? Well these convicts – I mean entrepreneurs – are a hard-working bunch of fresh thinkers, that got our country up and running back in the day. Well, the racist side of it anyway. Should fit right in, fair dinkum!”

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It is yet to be seen how Nigel Farage will react when he sees several hundred boats laden with criminals approaching Dover harbour, but as this is the first of many post-Brexit trade deals that he promised, based on an Australian-style immigration policy, he is expected to be delighted.

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