Wednesday 17 June 2020 by Chris Ballard

Israeli-Palestinian conflict and intermittent WiFi next on Marcus Rashford’s list


Marcus Rashford to tackle other issues

Having established himself as a man who can get things done, Marcus Rashford is now setting his sights on some of the world’s other major problems.

After forcing the UK government to extend a free school meal voucher scheme, footballer Marcus Rashford has realised that his work is only just beginning.

“With great power comes great responsibility,” said Rashford, who is currently considering whether or not to start wearing a flashy red superhero costume.

“The free school meal thing was just my origin story – there are so many other problems in the world that need solving.

“I’ll probably start with the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. I reckon if I can get them to agree borders and water rights we’ll nearly be sorted. Mutual recognition will soon follow.

“Then I’ll move on to some of the more tricky issues, like a WiFi signal that keeps cutting out and phones with really short battery life.

“If I can do all that, I’ll basically be invincible. There’s nothing I won’t be able to solve – how to find the end of the sticky tape, how to stop people holding tube doors open, how to stop self-service checkouts thinking there’s an unexpected item in the bagging area – I can solve them all.

“I’ll probably even find a solution to hailstones.”

However, there are some problems too great for even Rashford to consider tackling.

“I’m not going anywhere near Brexit,” he said. “A sectarian conflict that’s been going on for over half a century is one thing, but that shitshow? Forget it!”

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