The dogging community are in a state of confusion after Prime Minister Boris Johnson updated the official guidance on meeting up with other people during the lockdown.
“It’s all so confusing,” said public sex and swinging enthusiast Simon Williams, taking a break from watching pornography to watch Boris Johnson continue screwing the country.
“The missus and I have spent weeks inside, and we’re missing the excitement of dogging, to be honest. We tried doing it in the driveway once, but the neighbours weren’t remotely interested in watching.”
He went on, “But now Boris has said we can take more exercise, and more than once a day, and we can meet up with small groups of other people as long as we observe social distancing. But they absolutely can’t come into our house, apparently.
“So does this mean that my wife and I can drive to the woods and shag in front of strangers, as long as they don’t join in and instead simply masturbate from at least two metres away?
“That’s certainly how we interpreted it, anyway.
“I do feel it’s about time the government offered a little clarification for the dogging community. We have needs too.”
Government spokesperson Christopher James responded, “The guidance was perfectly clear – you can partake in whatever activities you like outside, so long as it is only with your direct family members, or small groups can watch you from at least two metres away.
“And Boris too, of course, if he asks to join in.”