Londoners have abandoned social distancing and lockdown restrictions entirely after it emerged that nursing a powerful hatred of the President of the United States confers almost complete immunity to the Covid-19 virus.
As dense crowds took to the streets yesterday, some scientists warned this was the exact opposite of what people are supposed to be doing at this moment in time – but experts on the Internet quickly informed them that you can gather in groups as large you like so long as it’s for the “right reason”.
“Obviously people shouldn’t selfishly gather in parks and on the beach simply to enjoy themselves and improve their mental health during this time of global crisis,” said protester Simon Williams, who asked not to be named.
“What sort of idiot does that when instead they could gather together to spread a deadly virus that Britain is already suffering from more than most other countries?
“And if you just want to go and get a haircut then you’re a dangerous silent spreader who will kill all your family and friends.
“But this is different. It’s a moral and just cause, and so long as you’re motivated by a selfless spirit and the burning light of truth and justice you can’t actually get ill or pass it to anyone else.
“I know that’s true because I read it on Facebook.”
When asked, American evangelicals said that the real source of immunity is Jesus and Trump, and those stupid Londoners have got it all wrong.