Tuesday 2 June 2020 by Pete Redfern

Ban on having sex with people from other households suggested by Carrie Symonds when Boris wasn’t looking


Boris and Carrie Symonds

New lockdown guidance which came into force yesterday and restricts individuals from different households sleeping together was suggested by the Prime Minister’s fiancée, it has emerged.

Carrie Symonds told reporters, “Yes, that bit was me. After Boris had finished sitting down with his advisors to draft this legislation, I just learnt across and scribbled a bit at the bottom about not letting people shag people from a different household to them.

“I just thought it was better to have it down in a black and white, you know? Yes, there are lots of important rules based around the science of coronavirus, but I think it’s important that we also make clear who you are, and are not, allowed to shag.

“I’m fairly sure my Boris would never cheat on me, despite him leaving his wife and mother of his undefined number of children for me, his mistress, but you really can’t be too careful about these things, can you?”

Ten miles away and already balls deep in yet another mistress, Boris Johnson paused his shameful rutting to answer his phone and told us, “This is not a breach of the law, as this young lady is just giving me some IT instruction about my, er, floppy drive.

“Besides, neither I nor my advisors would ever break any of the rules we set for the rest of you – that would require an immediate resignation, after all, and we wouldn’t want that.”

Don’t blame me, I didn’t vote for him – get the T-shirt

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