Monday 1 June 2020 by Mark Molloy

Thousands of four-year-olds successfully obey their school’s new social distancing rules for almost three full minutes


infant school kids social distancing

Thousands of four and five-year-olds returned to school today obeying strict new social distancing measures in the classroom, for up to three full minutes, before it all went to shit and they were all licking each other’s snotty crayons again.

As schools across the UK looked to return this week for nursery, reception and year six children, thousands of small children who have not seen each other for almost ten weeks have been asked to follow a number of strict social distancing measures to which the majority of the adult population has dramatically failed to adhere.

Teacher Simon Williams told us, “We did great, absolutely fantastic and they were following it rigorously… for almost forty seconds.

“I sat them all down and explained the complexity of the situation and how we really needed focus on keeping the R rate below one so that everyone else can go back to school and to work.

“But then little Aidan pissed himself and when I was sorting that out Katie had decided she needed to start a licking competition with Callum who was already on Tom’s back because they were playing taste the Lego with Henry.

“Within four minutes it was complete carnage, precisely as it was ten weeks ago, and they were all just on top of each other covered in shit.

“But rather than focus on the negatives, I’m focussing on the fact that got a solid three minutes out of some of them.”

Asked if he feels it would be possible to enforce any rules going forward he told us, “I gave up by ten past nine mate, they’re fucking lunatics, you may as well let the lot back in.”

I survived homeschooling 2020 – get the T-shirt here!

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